It’s a sudden thought while I was browsing through the Populars Non-fictional section.

I was wondering what I’m doing, what I want to do, what I plan on doing. A book I saw was a story about this two women who wanted to plan a child protection programme. One of them had just won a case on her abusing stepfather, and the other one had a daughter who had been murdered. Another one was about this orphan who had to live from home to home and wanted to runaway. She don’t know about ‘love’ and kept on running from country to country till she came to Cambodia. There, she saw a purpose and aimed to build orphanage and help those who are what she had been.

Two of my best friends already had in mind on what they wanted to achieve and how to do it. The way they say it, I felt inferior. I had never been able to do anything. To be exact, I had never been able to finish what I’ve started. When I was young, I wanted to learn piano and I had the fortune to start learning at 9. However, I did not bother to practice at home. Right now, I’m still stuck at a grade 4 theory and grade 2 practical. I like to do lots of things, I like lots of subjects. But if I like too much stuffs, I tend to do it all at once and in the end, nothing was done successfully.

What exactly am I trying to do? In my mind, I had a “default” dream that I want to be. I had a “default” reason for it too. But, if I were to really want this dream, why am I not doing anything to achieve it? Am I all-talk-no-action type of person? In my years since I could remember, that is what I am. Do I really dream to achieve that goal or did I lie to myself that that is what I want to be? After years of supposedly lying to myself, I can’t remember if that was what I truly wanted.

I don’t have a specific dream job. I’m flexible enough. But, that also means that there is nothing I’m really good at. So when someone asks, how could I reply? I can’t. I had nothing.

Everything interests me, everything fascinates me. I wanted to try everything. It is because of that I had no idea what I truly wanted. After all, life is so short….